driving through empty

Suddenly, the emptiness of the room became too much to bear. I have to get out, I thought.

I grabbed my bag and water bottle, pausing briefly before deciding to take a notebook, and rushed into my car.

My mind was staggering as I jerked the car forward and sped along the roads until I found one that just seemed to keep going without interruption. I didn’t know where I was going, but I just needed to be anywhere else but alone in that small space.

I had never noticed before how black the roads are at night. The blacktop of the pavement became barely distinguishable from the dark shapes of trees and the unlit sky overhead, only the dotted white lines curving along the road making a brief appearance in my headlights before disappearing behind me. It was as though I was driving right through a void, a vacuum on either side of my ears. I began to wonder whether I was still a part of this world or if I had drifted off somewhere else.

I realized I left my phone back at the apartment, too. Vague feelings of being frightened crossed my mind. But somehow, I had come to focus my eyes on the space in front of me. Eyes trained ahead, unblinking, the periphery of my vision started to fade. Then I felt a calm acceptance descend over me, feeling myself shoot through this empty space, as though sliding through its dimensions of time like a welcome traveler.

Because, I began to understand, compared to where I just was, the nothingness out here, moving through this obscured world, felt more bearable.

I realize I must have been constantly living on edge since I got here.

The long drive helps me collect my thoughts. It occurs to me, after a while of driving in that darkness. A lonely life can be a bearable one, too.

Once I park back at my apartment, I gaze up at the night sky. Shy autumn stars emerge behind the cloud cover. The moon, which I had noticed was crescent earlier in the evening, seems to have set, nowhere to be seen. In the moment, I feel everything fall away. Even the most transient of interactions seem to blur, any illusions of intimacy are nullified by the shining stars. But rather than sadness or loneliness, I feel at ease. Bathing in the honesty of starlight, it feels so simple. I can embrace this reality with more openness than I ever remember having before.